Today, I want to talk about a situation that can feel awkward, especially for newer leaders: managing people who are older than you, more experienced than you, or both.
Maybe they’ve been in the field for 20 years. Maybe they know the company’s history better than anyone. Maybe they remember the last three times someone tried the “new” idea you’re now excited about.
And now you’re their manager.
You may wonder: How do I build real authority with someone who has been doing this work since before I even knew this job existed? How do I lead without looking like I’m pretending? How do I respect their experience without handing them my role?
The answer is not to act older, louder, tougher, or more certain than you are. It’s also not to defer decisions and hope everyone likes you.
The answer is a little less dramatic than that – and probably more effective.
But first, let’s talk about the two ways this usually goes wrong.
The two traps
When you’re leading people who are older or more experienced than you, there are two very common traps you might fall into.
The first is over-proving.
You explain every decision in too much detail. You rush to make calls so you’ll seem decisive. You bring up the project you led, the reason you got the role, the credential, the title – anything that might convince people that you belong there.
You do this from a desire to be taken seriously. But over-proving usually has the opposite effect. People can feel when you’re trying too hard to establish authority, and it often reads less like confidence and more like nervousness.
The more you keep reaching for your authority, the more it can look like you’re not sure you have any.
The second trap is deferring.
You defer to the experienced people on everything. You turn every instruction into a question. You route every decision through the person who has been there longest. You tell yourself you’re being humble, respectful, collaborative.
And maybe you are, a little.
But if you take it too far, you’re not leading anymore. You’re handing the job back because holding it feels uncomfortable.
Both traps treat the age or experience gap as a problem: something to overpower, apologize for, or hide. But the gap itself is not the problem. It’s just a fact. And if you work with it instead of fighting it, it can become one of the best things your team has going for it.
Start by getting curious
Start by taking the pressure off: you do not have to pretend you’re the most experienced person in the room.
You probably aren’t. And everyone knows it.
That may sound harsh, but it’s actually freeing. You don’t have to perform expertise you don’t have. You don’t have to bluff your way through every conversation. You don’t have to act like your title magically gave you the same lived experience as someone who has spent years doing the work.
You just have to be willing to ask good questions.
Ask what they’ve seen work.
Ask what they’ve seen fail.
Ask what they wish new leaders understood before changing things.
Ask where the team has gotten stuck before.
Ask what they need from you to do their best work.
Something as simple as this can go a long way:
“You’ve been close to this work a lot longer than I have, so I’d really value your read on what I should understand before I make a call.”
This shows respect while also keeping you in your role. You’re not saying, “Please decide for me.” You’re saying, “Help me see clearly so I can lead well.”
That difference matters a lot.
Use what they tell you, then make the call
There is one catch, and it matters: if you ask for someone’s input, you have to do something real with it.
That does not mean you always have to agree. It does not mean the most experienced person gets veto power. But it does mean you can’t ask thoughtful questions, nod seriously, and then go do exactly what you had already planned to do without ever explaining why.
People notice that. And experienced people often notice it quickly, because they’ve seen it before. They’ve watched leaders perform “fake” listening – the kind where the decision was already made, but everyone gets a calendar invite so they can feel included.
That kind of thing costs trust. A better approach is to close the loop. If someone’s input changes your decision, say so:
“I was going to handle this a different way, but what you said about the last rollout changed my thinking.”
If you decide not to take their advice, say that too:
“I see why you’d recommend that, and I’m going a different direction because of the timeline we’re working with. But I want to keep an eye on the risk you flagged.”
That is the balance you’re looking for: listening, taking people’s input seriously, and ultimately owning the final call.
Be careful with the urge to be liked
There is usually a stretch early on where you have the title but not everyone’s full trust yet. That stretch can last a few weeks. Sometimes a few months. Sometimes longer, depending on the team, the history, and what happened before you arrived.
It is uncomfortable.
And it is exactly when the urge to be liked can get loudest, especially for leaders who tend to prioritize harmony, reassurance, or how their decisions are being received.
According to our survey data, 79% of people with the Feeling personality trait say it is ‘important’ or ‘extremely important’ that the people they lead like them – 21 points higher than those with the Thinking trait.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a good relationship with your team. That is human. But being liked in week three and being trusted by month six do not always come from the same choices.
Sometimes trust comes from being willing to disappoint people clearly and respectfully.
Sometimes it comes from not changing your mind every time someone senior pushes back.
Sometimes it comes from saying, “I know this is not your preference, but here’s why we’re doing it.”
People do not have to agree with every decision to trust you. But they do need to believe in your ability to make one.
Don’t rush the relationship
Trust takes time. There is no shortcut around that.
You build it when people watch you listen carefully, stay steady under pressure, give credit, take their concerns seriously, follow through on small things, and own the outcome when the call is yours.
This is especially true with people who have been around longer than you.
They may have seen leaders come in with big plans and disappear six months later. They may have watched new managers rebrand old ideas as breakthroughs. They may have been burned by someone who said, “I want your honest feedback,” and then punished them for giving it.
So yes, they may be cautious at first. Try not to take that personally. Their caution is not always about you. Sometimes it is about what they’ve learned to expect.
Your job is not to demand instant trust. It is to become trustworthy, repeatedly, until the story starts to change.
The gap is not an obstacle
If there’s one thing I hope you take from this, it’s this: the age or experience gap between you and the people you lead is not automatically an obstacle.
It can be a resource.
Their years plus your direction can be a powerful combination. They may know the history, the risks, the relationships, the workarounds, the customers, the old mistakes, and the quiet strengths of the team. You may bring fresh eyes, new priorities, a wider view of where things need to go, or the authority to remove obstacles they’ve been dealing with for years.
That is not a standoff unless you make it one.
So don’t over-prove, and don’t defer. Get curious. Listen well. Use what you learn. Make the call. And remember that real authority is not something you grab in one big moment. It is something people start giving you when they see that you can be trusted with it.
If you’ve led someone older or more experienced than you, what helped you find your footing? And if you’ve been the seasoned one watching a newer leader step in, what did the good ones do that the others didn’t?
I’d love to read about it in the comments.